Days that have happened recently that I just did not realize were happening until they were almost over: Easter, Earth Day, Saturday.

My favorite song off the new Future album is “Look Ahead.”

Last week I found a video of me from September 2009 saying “I feel ugly again.  I feel all wrong, I don’t like it.”

My downcast little face.  My sad little voice.  So plaintive, like I am realizing for the first time that you don’t get over things once, but again and again.  “I just worry that college is going to be even worse,” I said.  I don’t remember saying that, or making that video at all, I barely remember what it was like to be that person.  But I know what she means, I feel that now, how you can wake up one day with this shuddering realization that nothing is better after all.

That sounds so bleak.  I’m fine, I’m fine for now, spring is coming and I’m going home next week.  My parents bought ten acres of land out in the middle of nowhere and I want to see it.  I don’t feel ugly ‘again’ any more because it’s evened out, it’s just a background hum most days and I can work with that.  I can work with a lot of things.  I spent four and a half days doing nothing but studying for this one exam and this afternoon I took it, and it was raining and I’m tired of huge classes.  They’re holding a lot of exams in the Field House this semester, which is a new thing, and walking out of it I got lost in the athletic building.  I have been going to this school since 2010 and I still get lost in the athletic building with the best of them.  My student ID is so beat-up that you can’t even make out my face any more, not that it looks very much like me now anyway.

I’m so old, except I’m not, I am, I’m not, I am.  It’s raining today and I think all the snow is gone for good.  How long have I been wearing this one black t-shirt?  A week?  You know what, there are more important things to worry about.

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Where have I been?  It’s exams, so mostly in the library.

This morning before I left my apartment I shouted “I’m a mermaid!” at my own reflection.

So…you know, April.

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I had a job and I was going to Nevada and now I don’t, and I’m not.

There was this big string of paragraphs here, about my reasons, and my feelings.  But I really just want to listen to the R5 album or something, okay?  Some Miranda Lambert?  We broke 70 degrees today for I think the first time this year.  I took my first exam this morning.  I am doing both fine and terrible.  That’s all.

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ACMs

Screen shot 2014-04-09 at 4.30.40 PM

This is what I took away from the ACMs: an appreciation for Kacey Musgraves’ blue eyeshadow and…what else?

Eric Church did “Give Me Back My Hometown.” I wasn’t blogging back when his album came out but you can only imagine the kind of unhinged stuff I might have written, because I love “Give Me Back My Hometown.” LOVE IT. Take all my blood out and replace it with “Give Me Back My Hometown.” I have been reading a lot of young-adult novels about small towns and desperation, I have been thinking a lot about the way a life will close you in its fists. How this is good and bad, the difference between being trapped and being attached, “Give Me Back My Hometown” is the best song, weep to it forever.

I am still BURNING WITH THE INJUSTICE of Darius Rucker getting a hit out of an Old Crow Medicine Show song.  OCMS is from my valley.  Hometowns.  Hometown pride.  “Carry Me Back to Virginia.”  I hope Ketch Secor’s getting sick residuals from this.

And my body of work on Florida Georgia Line continues to grow and grow, I swear three years from now I will be a preeminent FGL scholar, if only because no one is thinking about them this hard.  One day I am going to write a really great essay about Florida Georgia Line.  Not today, probably.

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Plans

I got a job: I’m going to Nevada for a few months.

Maybe by next year it will be a cliche for me to say ‘guess what, I am temporarily employed somewhere far away.’  And it’s not like I didn’t look at more normal jobs, jobs in my hometown, but this was the first one that I was offered.  It met both of my requirements (paying money and being related to my degree), so I took it.

And I’ve never been to Nevada.

And what is next year, anyway?  I feel so lucky that I can worry about next year.  I feel so lucky that after all this time my heart, which I imagine to be such a crumbly, blackened thing, is still beating in my chest, that my brain’s okay and my body’s doing fine and in four weeks I’ll be home and in six I’ll be across the country.  And one day I’ll fall into another hole and climb out of it and it will be painful and endless like it always is.  Things last forever and then they end.

 

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no throughline here

I started watching The Good Wife in January because, whatever, January?  I get bored.  I watch a lot of stuff.  I was from the beginning completely won over by Julianna Marguiles’ face.  And, as someone who habitually makes over-the-top faces to make people laugh and distract from my actual features, I love a character who has such self-control over her expressions.  She does so much with so little melodrama.  I guess this is what they call ‘acting.’

I wish there were more teen heist movies.  Or any at all?  Probably I should write a screenplay.

My best email draft right now is just the words “meek mill mike will mac miller mack wilds.”

I want the Naked 3 palette because I want to be the kind of person who has a face that is not just for comedy, but I don’t have 60 dollars to spend on eyeshadow, and I don’t have 60 dollars to spend on Taylor Swift Keds, and I don’t have 30 dollars to spend on a beanie that says “CLIQUE” on it–

But I do have twelve dollars to go see Betty Who in a couple weeks, so that’s cool.

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some updates

things that I care about that you certainly do not:

  • the K-mart in Harrisonburg is closing; heartbreaking
  • I haven’t seen the Canning skunk since last year
  • “You know I’ll buy you that Chanel, right?”
  • I want to skip my last bio lab but I don’t want to make my lab partner count all those fruit flies alone
  • Quebec election fast approaching
  • writing cover letters is haaaard
  • I don’t love broad city but I am all in on hannibal buress
  • had a dream that a possum attacked me and I killed it with my bare hands
    • it was horrifying
    • maybe more horrifying than any nightmare I’ve ever had
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