Trust: I, too, have been wondering where I’ve been.  It’s the middle of July and all I have to show for this summer is an amazing tan line from my watch and a bunch of dumb poems.

Or, that’s not exactly true.


I don’t really need cuticle oil but it smells nice and sometimes I put it on at night when I can’t sleep and it’s something to do.

This is a crop-top from the Pretty Little Liars for Aeropostale line, the most 2014 thing I own.  The great thing about this picture is that, while you can’t see my face, you can see in the background a pile of Starburst wrappers in my bed.


I have a plant in my room now and when I look at it I feel a lot of feelings about caring for a thing, and what it means to be both alive and functional.  And how important it is to stay hydrated.


I completed my color palette in Keds.


I only really wear black/white/gray/navy clothes now, but makeup is a separate game, and so is nail polish, at least this summer.

Last, this morning I drove to work shout-singing ‘why don’t you hang with me this weekend.’

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It’s July and we’ve been having storms.  It just rained and the sky is pink.


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One of my favorite things that teens do at concerts–besides screaming, which is amazing–is throwing accessories onstage for the performers to put on.  Flower crowns.  Headscarves.  I was at a 5th Harmony show last fall and Camila got a bow and put in on because bows are her thing.  I think it’s a cool connection between audience and musician.

And speaking of connections between audience and musician, the early leaks off Ed Sheeran’s new album made me think maybe there wouldn’t be anything on there repping sad girls, which would be a misstep.  We’re his core audience, really.  SO I was delighted to find that not only is there a song called “Even My Dad Does Sometimes,” which is about how it’s okay to cry; there is a song about how Ed Sheeran will WIPE THE TEARS OFF YOUR FACE.  Amazing, he totally gets it.  And while I still feel some of that vestigial rage from a year ago, why does he have to write about my sadness, why can’t I do it, I can be you, Ed Sheeran, watch me burn you to the ground, I’m tired these days and mostly I just go to work.

Okay.  Okay.  “Latch” is on the radio.  “Latch” is a radio song now.  I don’t like “Latch.”  I don’t like Disclosure at all, actually, not a fan of the UK house revival, but whatever, trends come and go, put Settle on your year-end list if you want, I’m probably the only one reading it.  Except now it is on the radio?  “Latch” came out in 2012.  Can we not get another song from 2012 some airplay?  Marina and the Diamonds gets a hit out of Electra Heart?  Flume breaks in the US?  2012 was so long ago.  I can’t even remember yesterday.  Good for Sam Smith and all but I want something new.

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“So, Leela, what’s going on?”

I met a great dog.  She was a German Shepard mix named Lucy and she followed me through a corn field.

My mother bought me a churro at Costco, chomp chomp.

I bought a cookie jar and I filled it with cookies.

This is the worst week ever.

“Marry me and I’ll smother you in private phones!”

Got my blood pressure taken at the dentist and it was 90/56?  Am I…slowing down?  Until I…cease to be?  Like a clock spring unwinding?

I have been meeting a lot of Mennonites and learning a lot about Mennonites and it has all been so cool and interesting.



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Good looks for Summer 2014:

-generic crispy-rice cereal for most breakfasts

-those lightweight scarves you got in Idaho two years ago

-mint-green nails

-dirty hands from taking soil samples in cornfields all morning

-movie-ticket stubs

-”conceptual dressing”

-packing your lunch in a kayaking stuff sack

-staying hydrated

-smudgy eye makeup because it’s SO HUMID

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Music Notes

  • My favorite lyric from the Cher Lloyd album is ‘you’re always so nice/I’m getting bored.’
  • But who’s talking about the new Ready Set album, huh?  Me, I guess?
  • It’s less laptop-pop-punk, less sugary.  A couple of the songs read like ‘slinkier Owl City,’ and that might be an insult coming from another person, but I loved Owl City when I was in high school, and Adam Young’s biggest problem is his whiny voice and having to write around it.  The Ready Set, which is like Owl City just one guy, Jordan Witzigreuter, has a better voice, more elastic and expressive, so no issue there.
  • actually he writes such pure pop songs he should probably be a full-time songwriter, right?  how much do you want to hear ‘GRL does The Ready Set’?
  • And who’s talking about the Tokyo Police Club record from March?
  • Can you believe they’re still around?  Is it 2008 again?
  • No, and they have a song called ‘Miserable’ that includes the line ‘do you get miserable’ and I’m like, I do get miserable, you get me, brilliant.
  • Did you know Lucy Hale has a country album and it’s boring?
  • ‘it’s been a long December and there’s reason to believe maybe this year will be better than the last’
  • the thing about “Fancy” is the verbs (taste, clutch, bite) and the pronouns (He, I, You) and the fact that it’s an “I Am” song and an “I’m laughing at you” song.  We’re singing along and we’re being watched.
  • maybe ‘bratty’ is a pathway into ‘brave’
  • there are a bunch of Wonder Years t-shirts on sale but unfortunately none that say ‘I want to die in the suburbs’ and none that say ‘I’m angry like I’m 18 again’ and none that say ‘depression grabbed a hold and/ choked the life out of him slowly/ I’ve got the same blood coursing through my veins/ it’ll come for me eventually’
  • I love The Wonder Years
  • did we never talk about The Wonder Years
  • I want to talk about The Wonder Years for a million hours
  • I keep hearing “Stay With Me” on the radio and it’s cool but like, did you know Sam Smith is 21?  and where did all these tears come from?
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I do all these things for myself.  I make meals that I like and that are good for me and I eat them.  I stay hydrated.  I went hiking a couple days ago, I went to the movies with my friends.  I go outside, I take care of the cat, I play with my makeup.  I wrote some poems during a website training last week.  I have an internship I care about and I make small talk every day and I did laundry.  I say nice things to myself in mirrors.  I love the John Walt song “Kemo Walk.”  The Shenandoah Valley is crazy beautiful and I get to see it all the time.  And I am still so, so sad.  It’s not getting any better!  I am trying to function like a person but instead I feel like this horrible imposter and that none of my attempts to stay stable are worth anything.

My mother’s on a cruise with her sister this week.  My father spends a lot of time at the new property, beautifying it or whatever, I don’t know.  My sister’s working a lot and since she moved to Charlottesville I don’t see her very much.  I am mostly alone in this house and I know I’ve lived alone for two years but it’s harder here, sleeping in the room where I grew up.I don’t want to editorialize on any of this.  I’m sick of theorizing my life.  For today.

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